127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable

Argue all you want, but deep down inside, we all know that being a mom is the hardest job on the planet. Especially so if you’re a mom to a human baby – the most imperfect of all mammal babies with its hairless skin, wicked thermoregulation, gassy tummy, poopy pants, and the inability to run from danger right after birth. See how much harder the task becomes when your baby is basically a helpless egg? Well, helpless but at least a terribly, incredibly, devastatingly adorable, life-changing, heavenly egg. But let’s go back to the behemoth task of being a mom. As we’ve all agreed, it’s incredibly hard, right? And what do you do with things in life that are fabulously arduous? You make fun of them, of course! So, to all the moms-to-be, the seasoned moms, and hopeful moms, we present our list of the funniest mom quotes that we could find! 

This is a real compendium of mom life troubles – from babies and their sharp nails lovingly scratching your face to blaming your farts on them; no topic is beyond limits in these mommy quotes. However, all of them carry the notion of a mother’s love with it, so even the most hilarious jokes are really an expression of this all-encompassing love that a mother feels for her children. So, laugh at them all you want, Mom, without feeling any unease by amusing yourself about your little bundle of trouble! 

I guess you’re on limited time here, Mom, so without any further ado, let’s just skip right to the funny quotes. All of them are just a little bit further down, as they always are. Once you are there, vote for the cute mom quotes that you’ve enjoyed the most, but be sure to laugh quickly so as not to wake your sleeping angel! Also, don’t forget to share these silly quotes with your friends, as they might need some comic relief from their duties, too. 

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron

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“The fastest land animal is a toddler with something in his mouth.”

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“Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious.”

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“You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid that acts just like you.”

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“Bedtime is the leading cause of dehydration in children.”

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“Stepping on a LEGO land mine at 4:30 a.m. while holding a baby and not falling should be an Olympic sport.”

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“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of food that my kid didn’t finish…” – Carrie Underwood

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“You know your life has changed when… going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.”

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“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” – Betty White

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“A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” – Tenneva Jordan

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“My housekeeping style is best described as, ‘There appears to have been a struggle.'”

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“I hate it when I’m waiting for mom to cook dinner, then I remember that I am the mom.”

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“Every time I say “no” my kids hear, “ask again, she didn’t understand the question.”

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“The best way to get your children’s attention is to relax and look comfortable.”

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“Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.”

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“Friend: Are you getting enough sleep? Me: Sometimes when I sneeze, my eyes close.”

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“If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you to do it from the start.”

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“The true test of patience is watching your child try to zip their coat themselves when you are running late.”

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“I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” – Reese Witherspoon

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“Today’s goal: keep the tiny humans alive.”

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“Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.”

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“Child: “Mom, I’m scared there’s a monster under my bed.” Mom: “If there is a monster under your bed, please tell him to read you stories and get you drinks, it’s about time he earned his keep.”

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“Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I put the laundry in the refrigerator.”

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“50 Shades Of Dark Circles Under My Eyes.”

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“English is my mom’s second language, so instead of saying “It’s my way or the highway” my mom says “My way is the highway.”

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“I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children.”

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“I slept in until 7:30 am this morning. The sink is clogged, the dog has a purple stripe down his back, and the chocolate cake is gone. So worth it.”

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“Have you ever just ignored your children when they said, “Mom,” just to see how far they will go? So far we’ve made it to 256.”

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“I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.”

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“Dear mom, thank you for keeping all the bad stuff I did from dad.”

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“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” – Jill Churchill

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“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson

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“Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?” – Alyson Hannigan

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“You wrestled a bear? Cool. I removed a splinter from a two year-old’s finger. I think we’re even.”

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“Having a second child is like riding a bike… except the bike has no brakes, it is speeding down a hill, and the tires are on fire.”

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“Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.”

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“Two year-old referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes” and this is what I shall forever call them.” – Rebecca Caprara

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“I’m unsure when my going to the bathroom turned into a family meeting, but I should definitely contact HR. Oh wait, that’s me.”

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“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says keep away from children.” – Susan Savannah

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“Nothing pairs better with a long soak, candles, and wine than a four year-old pressed against the bathroom door repeating the phrase, “Mom, are you in there!”

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“I’ve been married 14 years and I have three kids. Obviously I breed well in captivity.” – Roseanne Barr

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“When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.”

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“A mom only truly understands the meaning of rage when your child walks past everyone else in the house to find you in the bathroom to open their juice box.”

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“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’” – Paula Poundstone

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“No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” – Chrissy Teigen

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“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

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“My sister said once: ‘Anything I don’t want Mother to know, I don’t even think of, if she’s in the room.'” – Agatha Christie

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“Kids humble us. The other day on a flight home Olympia insisted on running up and down the aisle, and when I finally got her to sit still, she threw up all over me.” – Serena Williams

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“Stop saying ‘we’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant. Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady hole? No.” – Mila Kunis

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“I never thought in my life I would have to yell more than once, “Don’t lick that.” But I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was.”

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“Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” – Shonda Rhimes

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“After we got home from the hospital, I didn’t shower for a week, and then John and I were like, ‘Let’s go out for dinner.’ I could last only about an hour because my boobs were exploding. When the milk first comes in, it’s like a tsunami. But we went, just to prove to ourselves that we could feel normal for a second.” – Emily Blunt

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“I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.”

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“You know you’re a mom when you stop daydreaming about a million dollars and start daydreaming about how amazing it would be to go to the bathroom alone.”

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“My kids are never better friends than when it’s 30 minutes past bedtime and they won’t stop giggling.”

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“It’s the best acting of my life right here, the well-rested woman. It’s my finest role.” – Kerry Washington

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“I’ve conquered a lot of things … blood clots in my lungs — twice … knee and foot surgeries … winning Grand Slams being down match point … to name just a few, but I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” – Serena Williams

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“If there is a tooth fairy, it only seems fair that there should be a wine fairy and a laundry fairy. Kids shouldn’t get all the magic.”

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“Woke up to two toddlers and a kitchen covered in flour. But I slept until 7 a.m. so we are going to call that a win.”

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“When you become a mother of toddlers, your biggest fear suddenly becomes running out of cheese sticks and chicken nuggets.”

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“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin

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“Motherhood: feeding them as a baby and then through most of their twenties.”

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“How do I explain [my mom]? She is as respected as Mother Theresa, as powerful as Stalin, and as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.” – Leslie Knope

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“My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.”

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“My mother, she is beautiful, softened at the edges, and tempered with a spine of steel. I want to grow old and be like her.” – Jodi Picoult

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“I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.” – Calvin

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“Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” – Julie Bowen

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“Million-dollar beauty product: face cream called ‘Before Kids.’”

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“A mother is the person you can always call to see how long chicken lasts in the fridge.”

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“Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.” – Amy Poehler

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“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.”

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“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck

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“You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict.” – Blake Lively

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“I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ’90s and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.” – Eva Mendes

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“Meditation is my thing. But I’m not going to lie: sometimes I go into my closet and lock the door so no one can find me.” – Gwen Stefani

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“Motherhood is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.” – Barbara Walters

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“A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children; obstetrically once and by car forever after.” – Peter De Vries

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“Motherhood is basically finding activities for children in three-hour pockets of time for the rest of your life.” – Mindy Kaling

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“I didn’t full wrap my head around the fact that there would be a person at the end of it. I read endlessly about pregnancy and what to eat and what not to eat. And then I sort of prepared not at all for the actual baby.” – Ellie Kemper

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“If you enjoy a clean home, relaxing weekends, and long romantic meals, then parenthood isn’t for you.”

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“The first five years of parenthood is like a 2 a.m. game of Twister in your bed. And you are always the loser.”

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“You can have eight hours of sleep, or you can have children. You cannot, in fact, have both.”

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“That brown stain on your fingers could be chocolate, but it’s also just as likely not to be. Better not risk it.”

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“Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.”

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“My mother is a walking miracle.” – Leonardo DiCaprio

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“A mother need only step into the shower to be instantly reassured she is indispensable to every member of her family.” – Lynne Williams

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“Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease.” – Lisa Alther

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“Having kids is just like college. You’re up all night, there is lots of puking, and you’re perpetually broke.”

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“One of the simple pleasures of parenting is locking yourself in the bathroom with a handful of your children’s Halloween candy.”

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“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” – Tina Fey

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“Every day when you’re raising kids, you feel like you could cry or crack up and just scream ‘This is ridiculous!’ because there’s so much nonsense, whether it’s what they’re saying to you or the fact that there’s avocado or poop on every surface.” – Kristen Bell

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“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck.

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“Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mum taught me.” – Lady Gaga

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“You’ll never need coffee more than the day after ‘Yes Day!” – Jennifer Garner

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“If I wasn’t at work, I just wanted to stay home and party with my little man — and by ‘party’ I mean, of course, endless rounds of ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider.” – Olivia Wilde

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“Do you know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” – Jennifer Garner

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“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” – Julia Roberts

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“I don’t think so mommy!” is what my child said after, “Can you please pick up the popcorn you threw all over?” – Anna Faris

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“Who knew you could ruin a child’s day simply by serving milk in the wrong colored cup?”

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“Everyone’s at different ages and levels, everyone’s into different stuff. But everyone is into slime.” – Maya Rudolph

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“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller

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“Becoming a mom to me means you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” – Nia Vardalos

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“A sweater is a garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly.” – Barbara Johnson

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“I used to give my friends who have kids advice all the time, and they would look at me like I had three heads. And then, when I had two, I literally apologized to all my friends.” – Jennifer Lopez

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“90 percent of parenting is passing out snacks and counting down the minutes until nap time.”

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“I know how to do anything I’m a mom.” – Roseanne Barr

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“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” – Jenny McCarthy

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“A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby, OK? Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos.” – Ali Wong

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“I can’t believe how much like my mother I turned out. I feel sorry for my kids.” – Melanie White

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“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” – Rita Rudner

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“Some days the only way you stand a chance at surviving is to serve all-beige food, turn on YouTube and let the kids hang out pantsless.”

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“Have you ever noticed that the camaraderie between siblings is never greater than when the word “bedtime” is uttered? They seemingly in unison become dehydrated, giggle monsters scared of absolutely nothing.”

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“Ma-ma does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Da-da first.” – Mignon McLaughlin.

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“If you stare longingly at your bathtub more than you do at your partner, you might be a mom.”

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“Telling your kids you will see them in the morning is the greatest lie ever told. You will see them ten more times within the next hour and probably twenty more times before the sun rises.”

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“In the end, mothers are always right. No one else tells the truth.” – Randy Susan Meyers

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“I met my match. She is very demanding, like, I can’t believe I have a boss. When my baby wanna eat, she wanna eat. It’s not like, “Oh three minutes?” No. Give me the milk now.” – Cardi B

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“Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.'”

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“If you don’t know about ‘Baby Shark’ or ‘Let it Go,’ you need to turn in your parent card.”

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“My mother was my role model before I even knew what that word was.” – Lisa Leslie

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“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” – Dorothy Parker

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“Are you even a mother if you don’t yell, “Get in the car!” twenty times each morning?”

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“Dreams of a mother include: seeing your child graduate, witnessing your kid find true love, and someday finishing a meal without having to get up and retrieve more ketchup.”

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“Parenting tip: maybe don’t leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room.” – Rachel Dratch

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“Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.’” – Christina Applegate

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“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.” – Oprah Winfrey

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“[Having four kids is] endless stuff. It’s endless entertainment, it’s endless stress, endless responsibility. Everyone’s at different ages and levels, everyone’s into different stuff. But everyone is into slime.”

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